Dear Lily Marie –
A few mornings ago, you woke up early – like you always do – and climbed into bed with your mother and me. I absolutely love starting the day that way, by the way, even though we’re trying to get you to sleep through the night in your own bed. I also knew that your 5th birthday milestone was fast approaching, so I wanted to savor the moment.
Maybe you could tell how I was feeling, because you snuggled into my arms silently and perfectly, and fell back asleep. Your brother joined us shorty after and got cozy with your mama. That morning, lying in bed with the three people I love the most in the entire world, was perfect. I will treasure memories like this forever.
So the morning was perfect – and yet, I felt a weird kind of sadness. I knew you were almost one year closer to turning 18. And when you turn 18, you’ll be an adult. And I want you to stay my little girl forever. I know it’s selfish (and also impossible, lol), but I can’t help it.
And while your birthday is all about you – the purpose of this letter is kind of like therapy for me. You see, I need to process your birthday by sharing some of my fears – thoughts that actually keep me up at night – along with a promise (which is the therapeutic part of the letter).
I’ll begin with the fears:
You start kindergarten next fall, Lily. Now, I’m not scared of kindergarten, per se. You already love school, and I doubt that will change, but rather … I’m just scared of the entire world, really – and the things that I can’t control.
See – I want every single thing in your life to be perfect. I want every day to be happier than the previous one. I want you to love all your teachers and have the best group of friends and classmates and neighbors a girl ever had. I want you to grow up in such an incredible cocoon of laughter and protection and tea parties and rainbows that the real world would hit you like a baseball bat to the face if you ever were exposed to it. I don’t ever want you to know sadness, or to have your feelings hurt or heart broken.
Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way – and no matter what I do, sadness is essentially unavoidable. Sometimes, your classmates are going to say and do mean things to you. Sometimes you might see people doing ugly things to others. And sometimes, people – even people that you consider to be your closest friends – are going to reject the gifts you and your friendship can bring.
These things can happen for any number of reasons – none of which will be your fault, or within your control. But knowing that won’t make them any easier. And that’s what scares me.
There is one thing that I can control though – and I pray with every fiber in my being that it’ll be enough to carry you through any and all the tough times that you might experience. And that thing I can control is my promise:
Lily Marie Hecker, I promise to provide a home base for you – a sanctuary where you are always loved, supported in every endeavor, appreciated for who you are, and respected for whatever opinions and feelings you may have. In your house, you will be able to share your sorrows and sadness so that the burden may be lighter.
You will always have to face adversity of some sort in life, Lily – but you will never, ever, ever, have to face it alone. Whether you need a hug, a hand to hold, or just an ear to listen, I promise I will provide that for you.
***
Lily, you and I have a million little “traditions”, for lack of a better word. I’m sure all fathers and daughters do. We make up stories together using potty words that we really shouldn’t use, and we roughhouse nightly on the couch in the living room before dinner. Sometimes we build things on the floor out of Lincoln Logs, other days we have parties with your Barbie dolls and Hatchimals. On Monday nights, when Mommy works late, we order Happy Meals from McDonalds for delivery.
My favorite little ritual we have, though, is that as least once a day, I ask you, “Lily, what do you know for sure?”
The correct answer – which I taught you as soon as you were able to talk – is: “My daddy loves me!” And you know this is the correct answer because I’ve been asking you this for more than three years now. So of course you change it up from time to time by answering, “My daddy loves … pickles!”, “My daddy loves … tacos!”, “My daddy loves … stinky feet!”. I usually fake being exasperated when you do so, and we have a good laugh.
But today – whatever day it is that you’re reading this letter – and whether you’re 10, 20, 50, or 100 years old, or somewhere in between. I hope you hear my voice when you read, “What do you know for sure?”, and I hope you answer, either out loud or in your head, “MY DADDY LOVES ME!” as strong and as convincingly as possible.
Because I do, Lily Marie Hecker.
I love you so very much.
Dad
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