Son –
Today is your special day – your first birthday – and boy, did it start out with a bang!
I was holding your sister, Lily, near the sink in the kitchen, and you had crawled right behind me. I didn’t see you, and I took a step back and accidentally kicked you pretty hard … and then followed that up by putting my foot down right on top of your chubby little torso.
You screamed, as only a one year old boy can – which then scared your sister to tears as well. Oh boy. And I only had about 60 seconds to try to make things right before I had to rush out the door to leave for work …
I handed Lily to your mama, scooped you up, planted a bunch of kisses on your soft head, and took you out to the front porch so you could touch the branches from the tree in our yard. That always seems to calm you down. And it worked, for a minute … but then you began screaming again as soon as I handed you to Nana (who was in town with Papa especially for your birthday) as I backpedaled out the door.
I guess I’ll find out tonight when I get home if I’m forgiven – but I have a pretty good idea that I will be. You’re kind of amazing in that respect. In fact, it usually doesn’t matter if it’s been a full day or just ten minutes – every time you see me, you look to make eye contact, stretch out both your arms, and give me the biggest smile in the world – as if I were a soldier returning home from war or something. And I love it, Liam. It absolutely never gets old. You make me feel like a superhero.
**
A little over two years ago, I wrote a letter similar to this to your sister on her first birthday. At the time, parenthood was such a new and amazing experience. I had so many strong emotions bouncing around inside of me – feelings I had never processed before. I just had to get everything out, somehow.
And while the newness of those emotions has dissipated, the strength of them hasn’t. In fact, they’ve gotten stronger. You see, the world can be a scary place sometimes – and I have this fierce, obsessive, almost borderline unhealthy, desire to protect both you and your sister from everything that can be bad in it.
And in that context – the process of trying to protect you as you grow up – I’m probably going to make a lot of mistakes. Some of those mistakes might even be unfair or hurt your feelings. And if you’re anything like how I was growing up, you’re gonna make some mistakes too. I know that I’m going to need to give you the freedom to make those mistakes, so that you can learn from them, but it just inherently goes against my basic, primal instincts to protect you from anything that could hurt you.
As you get older and seek to discover your purpose in life, you’re going to be presented with many opportunities to make decisions about how you’re going to treat others and yourself. It’s inevitable that some of your choices are going to result in poor decisions. And they may be things that disappoint your mother and me. But know this – your great-grandmother (my grandmother, who both you and your sister are named after) used to always tell me, “pencils have erasers for a reason”.
We all mess up sometimes. We just have to own our mistakes, apologize for them, and then try to make things right. And as long as we can do that – then together – you, Lily, your Mom, and me – as a family, we can fix anything and everything.
**
With that being said, I also want to promise you the exact same thing I promised your sister on her first birthday:
Liam – My love for you is unconditional and absolute. It will never be defined or determined by your accomplishments or achievements or failures – nor by your beliefs or opinions, or the sex or ethnicity or religion of the person with whom you fall in love, or the gender you identify with. Your Dad’s love will be there, always, as a support, as a refuge, as a springboard, and as a companion.
I love you, son. You complete my life, and our family. Happy first birthday.
Love, Dad
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